


Making Bad Decisions

by Monstrous_Femme



Category: Lovely Little Losers
Genre: F/F, Kissing, New Year's Eve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 01:46:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13225590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monstrous_Femme/pseuds/Monstrous_Femme
Summary: It's New Year's Eve 2017, and Freddie has no idea who she is anymore.





	Making Bad Decisions

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to @accioinvisibilitycloak for being willing to beta this on such short notice!

Freddie sat on the couch and stared around her old flat. The double-vision she was experiencing astounded her. There was the wall, with and without the list of rules. She was pretty sure that she could still see smears from the egg Peter had thrown, but they’d cleaned that up so the landlord wouldn’t know. Maybe they just hadn’t done a good enough job.

The doorframe leading into the kitchen had a banner that must have been Hero’s doing, although Meg had probably contributed the glitter. _Happy New Year 2018_.

_2018._ Time wasn’t supposed to move around this way, painfully slow years followed by ones that jumped forward, lightning-fast. There had been a plan. Freddie was supposed to know where she was by now.

She was supposed to have a job lined up, if nothing else. 

Her friends were all around the room, joking and dancing and having a good time. Freddie was immune. She wished Kit had agreed to stay at home and watch TV with her, but he’d wanted to come here tonight, and she hadn’t wanted to be alone.

Of course, now she was alone anyway. 

Freddie sipped her beer and tried not to look too conspicuous. The house both felt like hers and not like hers. Part of her was sure that if she could go to her room, just for a few minutes, she could find who she used to be and slip more comfortably back into the space.

But it was Meg’s room now, and had been for over a year. When Freddie had moved out, Meg had taken the opportunity to live with her friends and taken over the room.

As though summoned by Freddie’s thoughts of her, Meg emerged and flung herself down on the couch. “Hello, lovely Freddie!” she said, wrapping her in a sideways hug. “I’m so glad you came.”

“Thanks for the invite.” 

“Of course. I couldn’t throw a New Year’s Party without having all of my favorite people here!”

Freddie didn’t know what to say to that, so she said nothing. The silence stretched on past the point of what was appropriate. She had another sip of beer. Any moment, Meg would get bored of her and leave. 

But instead, Meg spoke again. “I heard about you and Kit,” she said. “It’s too bad.”

“We’re still good friends,” Freddie said, immediately jumping into her stock response. “We just realized that it wasn’t going to work out in the long run. We just—well we weren’t compatible in some important ways.” She winced at the way she stumbled through the ending. She’d almost said _“we weren’t in love.”_

“It’s good you’re still friends anyway.”

Freddie nodded. She couldn’t help but glance across the room at Kit, who waved at her and gave her a subtle thumbs-up. Freddie quickly looked back at Meg, but she wasn’t paying attention to him.

“Breakups are always hard,” Meg continued. “But I’m sure you’ll find someone, if you want to.”

The room suddenly felt too hot. Freddie couldn’t see through the swarms of people. She’d become immune to people telling her she’d find someone, but the “if you want to” threw her for a loop. How could Meg know how much she dreaded finding someone, how falling in love could seem like the hardest thing in the world? Did she know? How could she? 

Freddie stood up too quickly, head swimming. “I think I’m going out to the garden for a bit.”

“Oh, that sounds really nice, actually. Can I come with you?”

Freddie wasn’t sure if she wanted to say yes, but saying no was too hard, so she nodded. As they made their way across the room, she saw Bea and Ben wrapped up in each other’s arms, grinning at each other as they carried on a very loud argument. Ben looked the opposite of how Freddie felt, as though he were more comfortable in this house now that his old room belonged to Hero. 

Maybe they’d never all been meant to live together. Maybe Freddie shouldn’t have signed the lease, and helped write the rules, and almost ruined the friendships that seemed to be flourishing in her absence.

*

Meg held open the back door for her, and Freddie stepped out into the garden. The evening air was beginning to cool down. It danced across her skin and made her feel calmer, if only a little bit.

They walked to the place where the tent had once stood. Meg sat down in the grass.

“It’s nice out here,” Meg said. “I’m glad you suggested it.”

Freddie’s mouth was dry. She sat down next to Meg, closer than she’d intended to be.

“Now, you have to have a good time,” Meg said. “It’s a rule of mine. Nobody gets to be sad at one of my parties. And you seem sad.”

There was something heavy in Freddie’s lungs. She wondered if it really was sadness. She hadn’t thought about it in a long time. “Sorry I’m ruining the party.”

“You’re not,” Meg said. “But if there’s something you want to talk about, my listening skills have been referred to as dazzling. Mostly by me, but I think it’ll catch on.”

For a moment, Freddie considered telling her everything. How she loved Kit, but couldn’t love him the right way. How she needed him, but if she couldn’t get a job she wouldn’t be able to make rent and then she’d have to move back in with her parents when having Kit as her roommate was one of the only things keeping her afloat. The real reason they’d broken up, the thing she couldn’t say out loud, not even in the dark.

“Maybe later,” Freddie said. She wished she’d remembered to bring her beer outside. She needed something to do with her hands.

Faintly, from inside the house, she could hear people begin to count down. Meg smiled at her.

“It’s almost midnight.”

_Three, two, one._

The counting stopped, and all at once, Meg’s lips were on hers. They were only there for a second, but their touch sent a bolt of lightning through Freddie’s body. Even when Meg pulled away, her limbs continued to tingle. 

“Why did you do that?” Freddie asked. What she meant was, _do you know, was it real, can you please tell me whether I’m going to be okay because honestly I’m not sure at this point?_

Meg leaned forward and pushed back some hair that was falling forward on Freddie’s forehead. “Kissing on New Year’s has always been one of my favorite traditions. And it seemed like maybe you could use a bit of luck.”

Freddie nodded. There were only a few stars in the sky, dark clouds obscuring the rest. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d bothered to look up.

“All my life,” she said slowly, “It’s been about doing everything exactly right. Going to the right school, getting the right career and boyfriend and life so that everybody will approve of me.”

“Is that what you want?” Meg asked.

“I didn’t apply to grad school,” Freddie said, avoiding the question. “I knew I was supposed to—after all, I’m going into politics—but I kept thinking about studying and tests and how I can never sleep the night before something big is due, and how that would only get worse the further along I got—so I decided to try to get a job without it, but I couldn’t. Not so far, anyway. But now it’s too late to apply for this term, and I don’t have a job, and my parents keep asking me if Kit and I are ever going to get back together, and do I plan to get married at some point, and when is my life going to start, and—” She couldn’t keep going.

“Yeah,” Meg said softly. “Yeah, I’ve been there.”

“Really?” Freddie couldn’t picture it. She couldn’t see Meg doing anything besides what she wanted.

“Not with the school thing, so much. But my mum and dad spent over a year asking if I’d ever get back together with my ex before I broke the news to them that he was an abusive shitbag and I never wanted to see him again in my life.”

“Oh.” 

Freddie didn’t know what to say. She felt stupid and insignificant and small. Her problems were nothing compared to what Meg had just said. 

But Meg wasn’t looking at her like she was stupid or small. “You know what I think?” Meg asked. She touched Freddie’s shoulder softly. “I think you need to take one year where you make bad choices.”

“What, just like all of my choices that year should be bad?”

“Not exactly. I’m not saying buy only groceries you hate or stop paying rent or anything like that.”

“Then what?”

Meg smiled. God, Freddie had forgotten how easy she made it look, like being happy wasn’t some big thing everyone expected of her. “I’ve got a New Year’s Resolution for you, Freddie Kingston,” she said. “Once a week, this whole year, I want you to make one choice that you’re scared you’ll regret.”

_I’m always scared I’ll regret my choices,_ Freddie thought hopelessly. It was no use. She was irredeemably anxious.

“It has to be something you want,” Meg said, as though reading her mind. “No half-assed choices like buying something for dinner you know you don’t like. I mean, once a week when you want to do something but you’re scared of the consequences, say fuck it and do it anyway.”

“And at the end of the year, when I’ve burned all my bridges and made my whole family hate me?”

“I don’t think that’s what will happen,” Meg said. “But hey, if it does? At least you’ll know you’re choosing for you and not for them.”

Freddie stared again at the stars. “Will it help?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” Meg said, slipping a hand into hers. “But when I came out as bi, I thought it was the worst choice I’d ever make, and it turned out to be the best.”

_She knows._ Freddie’s heart dropped like it was made of lead. Her body’s reactions to these things didn’t make sense, not even to her. Half of her friends were gay or bi. Hero was trans, a fact that she hadn’t realized until they’d known each other for six months. Being a lesbian shouldn’t be such a big deal. She shouldn’t fall apart any time someone mentioned the idea of being out. 

_Maybe Meg’s right,_ Freddie thought. _Maybe I should start making bad choices._ She pictured calling her parents right now and telling them the truth, but she couldn’t get through more than a sentence before her brain stopped her.

But Meg hadn’t just meant coming out to her parents, had she? It was about _living._ It was about looking at the sky and counting the stars and taking a moment to stop worrying about the unreturned job applications she’d been sending out for months.

And then Freddie looked at Meg, and all at once, she knew what to do.

When she leaned in, Meg mirrored the motion, and that was all it took for Freddie to let their lips meet once again, to slide her fingers through Meg’s hair (and fuck, her hair was soft) and put the other hand on the small of Meg’s back, just to feel her close.

For the first few seconds, she even managed not to worry that someone was looking through the window.

After several long moments, Meg pulled away and looked at her with eyes that shone like the stars. “What are you doing?” she asked. She didn’t sound upset. 

“Making a bad decision,” Freddie said. She smiled, and when it didn’t hurt, she pulled Meg back in for another kiss.


End file.
